The Simulacrum blog...

TEST

2009-11-17T11:31:00.002Z

hmm

The Collapse of British Society

2006-03-17T15:55:00.000Z

Don’t read on if the word ‘cunt’ offends…

I was in the pub a few nights ago with a friend discussing the way we go through phases of using certain words, and how these phases bring new words into our everyday vocab that replace older words (we’re thrilling company!).

From here we realised that we say the word ‘cunt’ much more than the word ‘marmalade’. This isn’t all that surprising for two twenty something Londoners, but quite worrying given that we estimated that we have a ‘Cunt to Marmalade Ratio’ of several hundred to one.

This is very demographic specific of course, many countries use neither word. Young children probably say ‘marmalade’ more, as with most older people.

I would therefore be fascinated to hear your thoughts on this. What is your Cunt to Marmalade ratio? Please comment/email with your thoughts and ratios (include age and location)! If I get enough replies, I will get some stats together.

(The irony of realising that I have such an obscene Cunt to Marmalade Ratio, subsequently reducing it, hasn’t been lost on me)

((also, why are you here? Go here!))

Newish site

2006-03-01T13:29:00.000Z

It's a bit silly keeping my blog and my main site separate, so I'm changing things dammit!

I'm doing everything Simulacrum at www.listentothestars.co.uk for now - Have a look, let me know how it tickles you and let's see how it goes!

New Show!

2006-02-03T12:07:00.000Z

My latest interview is now online!

The guest is King Henry Viii! Triple Yay!

Hear it here

Updates!

2006-01-25T19:45:00.000Z

I've updated the Ask Winston and Simuladrum parts of the site - go there and enjoy!

Thanks for your help with fave shows - as a reward, a new show goes online very soon! Triple Yay!

Help!

2006-01-23T15:36:00.000Z

Ok, a serious question, for reasons I will reveal in coming weeks.

What was your favourite Simulacrum of 2005?*

*Yes, that means all, except Mother Teresa.

Choose 1, 2, or 3 at most and email them to me (details below right).

It's not a competition, but your thoughts will be a huge help!

To soften the blow of having to think, here is a picture of a honey badger. I love those crazy animals!

Holy Mutter!

2006-01-18T20:18:00.000Z

Several months ago I wrote about this:

Which i thought was amazing!!

And now, there's this:

(http://wp.skrynski.de/)

I don't entirely get it, but I think it's good, largely because it has the word 'Persönlichkeiten' - which is such a fantastic word we should start using it in English!

It's great being written about in 'foreign'!

(head expands, blows up, is replaced by smaller, more charming head...)

The Mother Of All Interviews!

2006-01-17T20:15:00.000Z

A new show! Fantastic! I told you 2006 was good!

The guest: 'Mother' Teresa!

Look at those links on the right - the one with the funky Simulacrum logo will take you to the site!

Or, if you're lazy, just click the word DONKEY to listen!

Or, if you have ITunes and want to subscribe (for free) to the show, click on the word PROLAPSE!

Or, if you want to get nowhere in life, click on the word HERE.

Join In!

2006-01-14T12:31:00.000Z

I think jokes about blondes, the Irish, Spurs supporters etc. are tantamount to racism. Except this one: Best Blonde Joke Ever

Ohmygod!!

2006-01-12T10:58:00.000Z

2006 eh? Hasn't it been the most incredible year ever! Already it's better than all of 2005 put together! Well, Chris Skinner thinks so, and to celebrate he has done a load of new interviews and recorded an entirely new show that will go live soon! Wow and double wow!

Do you ever feel like just jumping up and down with a big smile whilst the Vengaboys play in the background? Chris Skinner certainly does - and he's never wrong!

More soon! Yippee!!!!

I Believe In Father Christmas!

2005-12-24T12:20:00.000Z

He exists! He really does!! Catch my interview with Father Christmas here!

My request for 2006

2005-12-23T10:49:00.000Z

Can we all be around 20% less stupid? If we are all collectively just a little bit cleverer then none of us will ever reply to spam or fall over drunk, or listen to U2.

The benefits will be huge – hospitals will be quieter places, our inboxes have will only have emails we want and people will expect more than rock by numbers accompanied by pseudo-political arse.

How could we occupy this time we have created for ourselves? I don’t know, but I’m going to spend more time walking.

If anyone has any suggestions, let me know!

Tested

2005-12-19T10:04:00.000Z

I went on BBC's Test The Nation last night, but can you guess what team was I on?

I scored 54 which makes me cleverer than Danny Wallace and Sonia from Eastenders.

Big Dick!

2005-12-12T21:30:00.000Z

The latest Simulacrum is now live... featuring my favourite famous whale - Moby Dick.

How exciting!!

Did You Know?

2005-12-12T12:58:00.000Z

The Jolly Green Giant and the Laughing Cow are actually really good friends. They hang out together all the time, sometimes they go on country walks or visits to the sea.

Most of the time however they sit in fields doing mushrooms, giggling.

Always Getting It Right

2005-12-08T12:13:00.000Z

I've always thought that podcasting/sticking audio online has been a vastly underused way to try out material for mainstream comedians. I was even quoted by the BBC on that very topic. So I think it's great that Britians leading TV and radio comic Ricky Gervais has started. It might be a bit long at half an hour, but it's very funny so go listen!

Next Simulacrum online as soon as Bill Gates gets round to voicing one of my ad's.

Sporting Genius

2005-12-02T11:59:00.000Z

This week I cancelled my gym membership to fund my new subscription to Sky Sports.

The irony hasn't been lost on me.

New Show!

2005-11-28T10:18:00.000Z

At last! A new show!

For it, I interview a reflective Mr T - finally able to reminisce and enjoy his A Team and Rocky memories. Emotional.

Click the Simulacrum link over there-------->

Apologies

2005-11-22T12:04:00.000Z

I voiced an ad for a well known roadside cafe today. *

If you hear it (UK only), you will recognise it. You will really remember it. Really.

I am so sorry.

*Let's say that their head cook is quite small.

Sharon And On...

2005-11-21T10:53:00.000Z

It's not every day a Prime Minister quits his own party to run an election against it. Middle Eastern politics just get more surreal by the day.

I'd love it if it happened more often - Blair quits to run against Brown, Bush takes on the Church, Keane plots to replace Fergie...hmm...perhaps it happens more than we think!

Goal!

2005-11-17T15:38:00.000Z

For football supporters in the UK this could be good news. Basically, Sky will no longer have a monopoly on Premiership football.

But what's stopping another cable company (NTL/Setanta etc.) bidding and winning. Would fans then have to fork out for 2 subscriptions?

Now British TV is as 3 dimensional as ever, perhaps BBC and ITV could bid together?

As long as ITV let BBC produce the show. Until John Barnes started hosting football on Five, ITV's 'The Premiership' was possibly the worst sport programme ever.

30 Seconds of Politics

2005-11-10T12:22:00.000Z

Ok, as much as he was a welcome guest on the show, I have to question a recent comment by Tony Blair that, following a defeat in the House of Commons, ‘MPs are out of touch’.

This is a man who (rightly or wrongly) took Britain to war in Iraq despite overwhelming public opposition (pre war Gallup put it around 70% in the UK opposed).

What does he know that is so in touch with the public? Does he merely read The Sun and see that as the voice of the people? Although I didn’t vote for her I’m pleased that my local MP (Labour, and a former criminal lawyer) opposed this detention bill.

Stephen Fry for PM in my mind. And I’d have Jose Mourinho, Andrew Flintoff, Chas’n’Dave and Bobby Gillespie in the cabinet.

Harry Potter

2005-11-07T16:58:00.000Z

wtf?

Gathering Moss

2005-11-01T16:36:00.000Z

A sterling Moss performance on this latest Simulacrum, from supermodel Kate Moss.

Why don't you subscribe to the show in itunes with one click via the link over there------>

Enjoy!

1-1!!!

2005-10-31T15:48:00.000Z

This was a very important game.

I live in Islington (Arsenal territory), but support Spurs. The only pubs showing the game were the ones that pump in dodgy Arabic and Scandinavian channels - it just wasn't worth the risk.

It's times like this when my radio becomes the most important thing in the world. I spent 105 minutes (half time brought no reprieve) pacing up and down, shouting and swearing at my speakers - in my traumatised state I even did the washing up. I was exhausted by full time, but what fun! Thank you Five Live!

In other news, a new Simulacrum will be online this eve/tomorrow morning.

Hung Up On Madge

2005-10-24T15:44:00.000+01:00

How do people make utter shit sound good?

Ok, I apologise to any Abba fans out there, I can’t help it, I just don’t like them. I would also like to distance myself from any suggestion that I have something going on with Madonna, I was one of the male performers on Erotica and received no monetary compensation after picking up a terrible itch. Leather has never agreed with me. Neither has group sex.

Anyway, Madonna has now sampled Gimme Gimme Gimme. A poor track from Sweden’s third worst ever band. But ‘Hung up’, as she’s called it, is actually ok. In fact – the sample is the best sounding bit of it. That is ridiculous, but not unheard of – Mark Ronson did something very similar, with even better results about 18 months ago when he borrowed a bit of Boney M and Nate Dogg’s vocals and the resulting ‘Ooh Wee’ was amazing. This is all very confusing and must stop.

If this album sells, Madonna owes producer Stuart Price (aka Jacques Lu Cont) some serious cash.

I’m off to sample Leo Sayer for my forthcoming techno album.

Blair Bare

2005-10-21T16:09:00.000+01:00

Tony is live.

Hear him here!

BTW: This is the best cartoon ever.

Take Me To Your Leader?

2005-10-20T10:58:00.000+01:00

So, I have an interview with a certain Anthony Blair sitting in a folder on my home PC. It's quite rude.

Do you want to hear it? He thinks you are all fools.

I also have some more episodes of In A Name I need to put out.

Time eh? How did we drift so far apart?

End Of The World

2005-10-11T15:33:00.000+01:00

London is so warm at the moment. I bought a winter coat 2 weeks ago and i'm still walking around in a T-shirt.

If global warming continues at this rate we'll all be dead by November*

*15 degrees last week. 22 degrees this week. Therefore 1 degree per day. November 1st will be 43 degrees.**

**I may not be a scientist, but this is obviously conclusive.

I Talk To Real People!

2005-10-03T18:31:00.000+01:00

A lovely BBC person interviewed me at the splendid Podcastcon UK, find the article that followed it here!

Thanks BTW for your ASK WINSTONS - keep them coming!

Babylon!

2005-09-27T20:37:00.000+01:00

Yay! Finally another show! I Interview Haile Selassie - does he like Slade? Find out by downloading the mp3 here

ASK WINSTON

2005-09-26T14:26:00.000+01:00

NEW FEATURE!

Winston Churchill is the greatest ever Briton, it's official! Following his Simulacrum interview, he has made himself available for your questions. He will answer questions about anything!

So go for it! Results and questions will be posted here

Remember to tell Winston who you are!

Is Your Desktop Boring?

2005-09-16T15:49:00.000+01:00

How dare you!! Your poor computer - what did it ever do to you?

Cheer it up with Simulacrum wallpaper!!

(Left click, then right click, then 'set as background')

Happiest. Man. Ever

2005-09-16T08:23:00.000+01:00

This is me at the Oval on Monday, watching something amazing.

I was very happy!

In other news - go to PodcastConUK on Saturday and catch Simulacrum LIVE!

Happy Birthday!

2005-09-15T12:41:00.000+01:00

Simulacrum would like to offer it's good friend Prince Harry a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Hear the classic (well, old) interview here

Winner

2005-09-13T22:55:00.000+01:00

I am an artist!

Popjustice, the excellent pop site has printed my latest masterpiece!

Fun Fun Fun!!

2005-08-20T15:06:00.000+01:00

Simulacrum returns! Double Yay!

Why don't you listen?

I'm off on hols, back in 10 days, why not relive your past and track down the Winston Churchill episode?

Molotov Cock-tale...

2005-08-18T14:11:00.000+01:00

I rarely post links to music videos. So rarely in fact, that I never have done it before. Until now.

T.A.T.u - like them, or like most people, don't, at least they know how to shock. So, click here (or right click to download) for their new uncensored video.

I recommend skimming through it until about 2'50" - then watch intently. Brilliant.

Ban Everything!

2005-08-18T09:41:00.000+01:00

From today onwards, everything is banned. Anyone caught doing something will be punished by the inertia police.

My Mate Cat

2005-08-11T20:18:00.000+01:00

The latest Simulacrum is now live!

Hear Catherine Zeta Jones here

Oh, and do you like my new logo?

Thanks to Ferg!

Tried Every Slightly Conceivable Option!

2005-08-09T22:48:00.000+01:00

A new In The Name has just gone live - this time I discover how Tesco got its name

Subscribe here
Hear it here

Enjoy!
Chris

Unreal!

2005-08-09T12:45:00.000+01:00

I just discovered this on a website called Podcast Pickle:

"I am now dumber for having listened to this podcast. This is such unfathomably bad sh** pretending to be humor, it's unreal." spanktacular - 8-07-2005

This is a review of Simulacrum, and is even better than this review!

Unreal!

I wonder, perhaps if I am pretending to create 'humor' (however badly), then surely I am now a Simulacrum of it. Job done!

In other news, the next 'In a Name' goes live this evening, and the next Simulacrum in a day or two.

Be warned though, listening could make you dumber.

In A Name

2005-08-03T18:42:00.000+01:00

This is getting quite addictive now. I've done 5 already, given the idea a name (In a Name!), may even get an xml feed for this written. I'm amazed how friendly these people are...

So on the day Adidas bought Reebok, let's get learning...

Oh, and Simulacrum is back next week!

Chris

From Hero To Zero

2005-07-31T14:12:00.000+01:00

Hello!

Catch celebrity contributions to the latest Britcaster podcast here.

The Internet and Telephones are Great!

2005-07-28T17:20:00.000+01:00

Ok, I was a little bored. I had something that I wanted to know, and it was bugging me.

I had an answer in minutes, thanks to a lovely lady called Jackie.

It's about 28 seconds and is here.

If i get really bored I might turn this into a show. hmmm...

Bad, and worse...

2005-07-26T22:26:00.000+01:00

Ok, why waste a post with one update when I could give 2.

1st - The latest show is now online, and the guest is Michael Jackson.

2nd - I am also working on a few new ideas. One of these needs your help! I want your questions. About anything. I don't care if you know the answer or not. It'd be nice if there is an answer, but that isn't essential. Email me!

oh, and bonus 3rd topic: VOTE CHRIS. Thanks if you have!
Chris

Right Then...

2005-07-21T19:26:00.000+01:00

A new show is ready to go. Really.

It will be online just in time for me to flee the country this weekend. Which is good.

In the meantime, why not email a complaint to large company, with a ridiculous problem.

For example, you could email Burger King and express your disgust at their blatant promotion of taxidermy. I tried to but their website wouldn't let me.

I Need Help!

2005-07-19T21:43:00.000+01:00

As listeners will know, I love unnecessary facts. I have one I need help with.

I was half-listening to the radio today (Radio 4, for once) and a feature mentioned that the word Ajax (apparently a Shakespeare character) once meant 'toilet'. I need to know more. What language? What play? Who, why, where, when etc? Please help!

Oh, and VOTE CHRIS!

Populacrum!

2005-07-16T11:58:00.000+01:00

Wow!

Simulacrum is up for Best Comedy at the 1st Podcast Awards!

If you enjoy the show, hows about a vote? Go here

Oh, and the LATEST SHOW is now online! Hear Tom Cruise here

Hope all's well,

Chris

It's Back...soon!

2005-07-13T21:02:00.000+01:00

As you might have heard. It's been a bizarre week in London. Apparently we have 'Blitz Spirit' though, along with 'Bulldog resilience' and 'Stiff Upper Lips', plus 'London Can Take It'. Which is good.

I can only apologise for the delay, but the new Simulacrum - with a MAJOR Hollywood star will be online as soon as I've run it past legal. Again.

What's The Biggest Thing You Ever Lost?

2005-07-04T10:20:00.000+01:00

This weekend, I lost the biggest table and chair in the world.

Some achievement I think.

Even Evil People Need A Voice!

2005-06-29T14:40:00.000+01:00

The Latest Simulacrum is now online - this weeks guest is Robert Mugabe (!) and you can hear it here.

Personally, I think it's pretty good. But what do I know? Answers on a postcard.

Oh, and Glastonbury was excellent. Went with (among others) Bill Cosby - he spent most of the weekend off his face. Brilliant!

Ronald-Oh!

2005-06-21T18:08:00.000+01:00

The latest show is now online - enjoy Ronald McDonald here or click on the Simulacrum link over there somewhere------>

Glastonbury this week! Double yay! Is anything better than hanging out with Chas'n'Dave in a field in Somerset, drinking red wine and eating pasties?

Comedy 365, Day 1

2005-06-21T04:33:00.000+01:00

Good news from Simulacrum towers today! Winston brought me my mail which contained a special wax sealed envelope, the contents of the envelope lead to the show making its way to comedy radio station www.Comedy365.co.uk!
Have a listen if you get a chance!

Competition Time!

2005-06-20T23:18:00.000+01:00

So, as you may know, Mikhael Gorbachev popped in recently. He insisted that we ran this competition, and who am I to argue?

Catch it here, lasts about 40 seconds.

New Simulacrum online tomorrow!

Best. Idea. Ever!

2005-06-17T19:42:00.000+01:00

Wow! It came to me last night as I tried to sleep - I just hoped I would remember it this morning. I did!

Simulacrum is doing great, loads of guests booked and you seem to be enjoying it, which is the point really, BUT I now have a side project. A new show. The best idea ever.

Expect to hear more in coming weeks.

Once, Twice, 11th Time A Simulacrum!

2005-06-15T04:35:00.000+01:00

Worst. Headline. Ever.

Anyway. Lionel Richie, the latest big name to get the Simulacrum treatment, has now made it online catch him here: www.listentothestars.co.uk.

Or, if you are lazy, click here.

Another big name was recorded today, 2 more tomorrow PLUS 2 more in the pipeline! I'm sorry I let you go hungry, never again!

Life is such a wonderful thing!

The Worlds Greatest Animal

2005-06-12T20:26:00.000+01:00

The most important story you will read this year.

From Russia With Love!

2005-06-07T21:23:00.000+01:00

Following the interview with Mikhael Gorbachev, Simulacrum has recieved the best review EVER! This website has posted:

Wow! And Double Wow!

In Other news, 4 major new guests signed up today, and i got this review as well. Top week!

He's a red, and he's rum!

2005-06-02T06:57:00.000+01:00

The latest Simulacrum, starring Mikhael Gorbachev is now online! It should come as no surprise that he likes The Smiths.

In other news, I got a rejection today from FRANCIS ROSSI from STATUS QUO! Bollocks.

Check it out over there ------>

Bargain!

2005-05-30T20:04:00.000+01:00

I've just bought a tent!

By Royal Appointment

2005-05-21T19:51:00.000+01:00

'Oh Harry! You came and you gave without taking!'

What a lovely fella! Over in the UK, we're so keen to slag off the royals - and Harry gets the most stick - accused of being a rude, drunk, violent druggie. These accusations may all be true, I don't know - but I do know that any fan of box hunting is a friend of mine.

Catch the exclusive interview now! (info over there---->)

Chaos!

2005-05-06T19:35:00.000+01:00

Ok, loads of things to cover:

1st: Sorry. No Simulacrum until early next week. If I'd known MJ wanted me to stick up for him I'd have planned earlier. Me and him took a shower together back in '89. It was fine. He has a great porn stash.

2nd: Interviewed ROB THOMAS from Matchbox 20 today. Wanted to hate him, but he was a nice guy. Damn.

3rd: I have almost certainly secured interviews with: An Australian pop star, an African dictator AND a member of the British royal family! Expect all to reach fruition in the next month or so.

4th: Er, there is no 4th.

International Super Hits!

2005-04-30T04:45:00.000+01:00

The 1st 'Best Of' goes online today - it features some fine moments of the 1st three interviews, including Paris Hilton, Thom Yorke and Winston Churchill.

I am trying desperately to get Ike and Tina to agree to come on the show - could happen in the next few weeks. Do you have any suggestions? Let me know: simulacrum@listentothestars.co.uk

Marked Man!

2005-04-26T20:39:00.000+01:00

Whoa! Ended up in hospital yesterday after taking a knock to the head - wonder if i'm on Del Monte's Deadpool?Don't worry though, i'm ok!

Still looking for famous names for this weeks show - let me know if you fancy it!

Fruity!

2005-04-23T13:41:00.000+01:00

The man from Del Monte gives an exclusive 1st interview, now online. Also, I'm meeting up with JFK today. Not often you get to say that!

Updates

2005-04-19T19:08:00.000+01:00

I have made some minor changes to the SIMULACRUM site to make it easier to read. I may put some images on it soon too. Of animals, probably. Or a gooducken.

Gordons Alive!

2005-04-17T01:26:00.000+01:00

Strange week. I met SHAKIN' STEVENS, BRIAN BLESSED and KIM-LIAN. BLESSED is a legend.

Bill Gates interview is also now online - check it out. now. bitch.

Natural Selection?

2005-04-09T19:18:00.000+01:00

I was supposed to interview Darwin last night but he never turned up. Perhaps he evolved into a Honey Badger, or a packet of crisps.

The next big thing!

2005-04-08T06:24:00.000+01:00

I interviewed Bill gates today. He will go online next week. What fun!

I interviewed MARK OWEN yesterday, he seemed a little sad. Bless.

Bill Cosby interview goes online tomorrow - get it from the link to the right of here...

Hello

2005-04-07T04:52:00.000+01:00

Welcome, this is Simulacrum.

It has a proper website at http://www.listentothestars.co.uk.

There, you will find interviews with 'the worlds most famous names.

Feedback and comments are welcome.